I'm Sorry

I don't even know how to feel right now.
I knew you never really wanted me.
I could tell from the way you acted around.
From the way I never seemed to meet up to your standards.
The way you would talk to me like if I didn't have feelings.
The way you never seemed to care if I was upset or sick.
I wish I could hate you for this.
I wish with every fiber in my body that I could hate you.
But I can't.
No matter how hard I want to, there is nothing in this world that you can do to make me hate you.
Even after I heard you say that.
I knew I shouldn't have stayed and listen, I should have walked away or let you guys know I was right there.
Maybe you wouldn't have said those things.
Were you just angry? Did something happen to upset you that made you say that?
I can sit here and try to make up excuses for you but that would be pointless.
You meant every word of it.
I could hear it in your voice.
I can still hear it.
If I could change the way you felt about me I would.
There's nothing in this world that I wanted more than your love.
I wish you would have told me you felt that way.
I could have saved myself so much.
I could have done something else with that time.
Spared a lot of disappointment. 
I feel stupid for feeling this way.
I feel stupid for crying over this.
I sort always knew, yeah?
There's really nothing I can say to you that will make things better, is there?
So I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I ruined everything for you.
I'm sorry that I caused you to be unhappy for so many years.
I'm sorry that I wasn't good enough to change your mind.
I'm sorry.
I'm truly sorry.

Is It Too Much To Ask?

I saw you today.
And I know you saw me too.
The look on your face told me you did.
I walked right by you, you could have reached out your arm and touched me.
No one was with you, you weren't busy.
You didn't say hi.
You didn't even smile.
Didn't even knowledge me. 
I guess I should have expected that since it's been this long.
But don't worry Momma I'll be just fine.

Athena > Leaves

"I feel like if you did that, I'd die."
I couldn't do that even if I tried.
I have tried.
And look where I'm at.
Look where we're at.
You think I can.
But you say you can't?
It's not much different.
You know I can't.
Stop telling me I could.
Being so open with things scares me.
But in a good way.
People doubt you but I don't.
Things are just so complicated.
"But you'd be there."
I like this. This is nice.
"I'd eat salad in captivity just to see you everyday."
Oh you're a crazy one.

Many Things

I have so many things I could be blogging about right now.
But I just don't know where to start.
I have a lot of things to say.
But I don't know how to say them.
I've had it with people being selfish.
Do they ever stop and think about others?
Truly think about others?
She could have called.
It's been exactly 17 days since I've talked to you and 8 days since I found out.
And you, you really don't know, so please don't act like you do.
I wish I could stop the world.
I wanna get off.
Let's go to the moon.

What Do We Do Now?

You came home today, I stayed up all night just waiting for you to return.
I was hoping we could stay home all day and just catch up, the three of us.
I wasn't expecting you to tell me she stayed.
You said she was just confused about things and she'd be home soon.
Told me I was too old to not understand.
Am I too old to be upset too?
Do I not get to be hurt by this?
Just because I'm an adult does this mean that I'm not longer affected?
Can I no longer feel rejected? Abandoned? Alone?
What about not good enough?
Cause I feel that way right now.
You didn't even try to see how I felt.
I guess it's not your fault, I mean you must feel bad too.
But that's your job, you're supposed to make sure I'm okay.
You're supposed to look after me.
When did the roles get switched?
Sometimes I feel like you don't really see me for me.
You just see me as you want to see me.
Do you think I don't feel things? Do you think I'm above acting this way?
I'd never thought things would turn up this way.
I don't think you did either.

Pills, Pills, and More Pills.

I finally slept for more than two hours yesterday.
Actually I slept the entire night as well.
I guess that's what happens when you take Benadryl.
It felt good to sleep.
I didn't even have a panic attack when I woke up around eleven last night.
Then again I loved the reason that woke me up.
But I fell back to sleep a couple hours afterwards.
And this morning I was fine.
Maybe I'm making progress without having to talk to anyone about it.
Or maybe it's just the pills.
Which that gets me thinking.
Maybe I should starting taking pills to sleep, It would allow me to sleep and people would finally leave me alone about my lack of sleeping habits.
I don't want to take them though.
That's the problem.
I feel like if I do, it's like admitting I have a problem with this.
It's not really a problem, right?
I mean it's only sleep.

"Look at you, you're all smiles"

I enjoyed our talk tonight.

You should meet my butterflies more often.

The things you say drive me crazy, I'm pretty sure you do it on purpose.

Don't worry, I don't mind.

Thank you, again.

I enjoy it very much. 

But now I owe you something.

I don't mind that either. 

Clue on the piano sometime. 

Picture Perfect

You can't actually think anyone believes a word you say.
Sitting there like the picture perfect family.
Not a care in the world.
No one really buys that.
Can't you tell you're just making fools out of yourselves?
What's more important to you?
Appearance and the money?
There's enough of that for both of you to be fine on your own.
Do you really care what others would say that much?
You're so caught up in your own petty fights that you don't notice what's going on around you.
It's nothing but bullshit.

Stolen

That didn't count.
I can't count.
I feel sick.

Next Time Keep Quiet

How am I supposed to react to that?
Congrats was the most logical thing to say, yeah?
I mean what else was I supposed to say, that's great? I don't care?
I do care, and it's not great so congrats was the next best thing.
I'm sorry if that upset you.
I'm sorry if it wasn't what you wanted.
Can't really think too clearly right now.
I should have just left as soon as you said that.
But I wanted to be supportive.
I wanted you to feel like you could talk to me without worrying about my reaction.
I can't stand you being upset with me.
I really wish I could just tell you fuck off.
Or be upset with you.
But I can't.
And you know why.
I'm wasting my time.
I know.
I just can't stop.
I'm sorry.

Help I’ve Lost Control of My Life, or The Story of How I Ended Up Licking Ice Cream Off of My Homework

So I was eating ice cream at the computer desk at 2 in the morning.
And I put a spoonful to my mouth and did this nifty little trick where I completely miss my mouth and just end up smooshing it into my face.
But some of it dripped onto a paper on the desk in front of me and I thought to myself  "Oh no big deal I’ll just throw it away!"
But it turned out that the paper was my homework so I ended up licking the ice cream off of it and shuffling some papers around so that you couldn’t see the stain when I turn it in.

No More Whiskey For You

This elderly lady walked into work today.
She had dark curly hair and was sporting a very bright purple hat.
I found it odd that she was wearing a dress on such a cold day but that really had nothing to do with what happened.
She walked up to the counter and was very friendly towards all of us.
She kept asking me questions, like my age, what school I went to, if I had a boyfriend.
Then she went on to tell me that she had a grandson my age who she wanted me to meet.
She was really sweet compared to some of the other customers we get.
She ordered an Irish Coffee but had to wait for Toby to get another bottle of Whiskey from the back.
While she waited for her coffee she asked me to get her a the last sandwich on the shelf.
I handed her the coffee and sandwich and rung up her total. 8. 57
I should have thought something was off when she asked to sit down for a minute because she was tired of standing, it didn't take more than 3 minutes to get her things.
Next thing I knew she grabs her things and tries to dark for the door but instead ends up running right into Toby.
The little old thing throws her coffee right at me, and let me tell you she sure had good aim.
It was like she's walked off the set of A League of Their Own, she starts shouting all sorts of things while she hits Toby with her over sized purse.
I didn't really know how to react to this, but then again I just almost gotten my face melted off so I wasn't exactly feeling sorry for her.
Our manager ended up letting her leave without making a big deal about it.
Turns out she tried that last week when Amber was working and she's also preformed several times during Open Mic Night
It sort of makes me wonder what goes on through the mind of the elderly.
I was thinking about quitting Gypsy's but after this I think I want to stick around to see what other shenanigans  happen.
Maybe I should ask for more hours.
Either way we should stop serving Irish Coffees they make people crazy.

"Hey Athena. You look like Elvis."

Simple little things send me on a frenzy.
It's like we're 13 years old and we're too shy to say things upfront so we make up little jokes about how we feel.
Does it bother me? No, not really.
I have a hard time being upfront about everything so this is good.
This is comfortable.
Although sometimes I wish things were different.
Usually when I'm confused about what is it we are doing.
You'd think that after what happened the first few times we'd know better.
That saying learn from your mistakes? You never really learn. At least I don't.
What happens when everyone else thinks it's a mistake but I don't?
These feelings will end bad. I know it and I think you do too.
Then again, I don't really know what it is you feel.
And here we are.
Doing the same thing again.
Although it's not much now, I've realized talking usually leads to more.
Will we ever learn?

"Hey Athena. You look like Elvis."
"I'm yours."

Somniphobia

I have developed this fear of sleeping.

I don't quite remember the exact moment where I developed this fear but it's been there for a while.

Maybe it was before the Greece? Or after? Maybe I've had it all my life but I haven't been able to remember? 

I don't really know.

Then again there's isn't much I do know these days. 

It's not really a fear of sleeping or not waking up.

It's more of the fear of people going on with their lives while I sleep.

I guess I don't want to get left behind...

But this fear makes me sleep during the day, when everyone is up, living their lives.

I hardly sleep for more than three hours at a time.

And when I do I go into full panic attacks.

Maybe I should speak to someone about this.

I really don't want to.

I think I'll just keep doing what I do now.

And that's staying up all night watching films in Black and White.

They make me feel better. 

Like if I have a few years to sleep off before the people on screen catch up.